Microphone Please ...
Wednesday, June 03, 2015
My dad passed away today June 3 10:45 a.m.
My father passed away today. I'm putting my thoughts and emotions into this entry. I worked from home today. Saw him only a few weeks ago to take my mom her mothers day card and gifts. We talked for a bit. He got to see Adrianne and talk about college. He seemed for the most part ok. Talked about a few things but nothing really important. Today I got a text on my phone after turning it on, it had reset and was locked so I never got the call. My friend was coming to pick me up for our lunches that we have every week as we both work from home. (Whichwich). When I popped the battery out and back in, I had a message from Lisa that my mom called her. I called my mom and she was upset that my dad was on the floor and wasn’t getting up.
What goes through your mind is not his passing but rather he slipped and fell, probably unconscious or in a coma. As quick as I could, I hopped into my Honda and raced over there. Surprisingly enough not pushing one to two cars on the road out of the way. I got there and the police were there and my mom told me at that point he had passed away. My mind was still trying to process the fact that she could have been wrong. My father was on the floor in his room and I had to push through 4-5 officers to get to him. One office asked behind me "Is that your father?" I said yes and almost collapsed. I pushed him out of the way to get into the nearby laundry closet and shut the door. I don't know how long I was in there but lord did I cry. Nothing can every prepare you and be so incredibly abrupt. All I wanted to do was walk out and see my dad standing there saying he was OK. But that never happened.
My mom came in a couple of time to console me and my wife came shortly later. I didn't want to come out. All I could think of was my dad telling me "You have to take care of your mom now.". The pain was unimaginable and still is.I know its hard for anyone to imagine how can I put all of this down right now. I feel I have to, it's the only way I can cope and make sure I never forget this day.
I went out and to the kitchen, Lisa helped with the officers to make arrangements with them for my dad and the funeral home. The officers try to be polite as possible but all you can think of is you want them all out of your house and you want your father to sit up and chat with you. An officer stayed behind while the funeral home sent someone over. You have to understand. My father never liked the morbidity of death, funeral homes, viewings, funerals etc. We thought alike on this. He wanted it to be over and done with. He always said "I'm gone. I'm not there. Don't bother with it.". He wanted a quick cremation and put into a jar and taken back to Florida and his ashes spread on a lake where he used to swim as a kid in Palatka Fl. His heart was always there. I know he moved up here to help my mom for just this even but he still always wanted to go back and I am going to make sure that happens.
My mom and I sat in the backyard and talked. The gentlemen from the funeral home came by and picked up his body. My mom nor I cared to watch. I think it would have been too much to process for her. Apparently my dad wasn't feeling to well over the last few days or weeks and was constantly stating he was tired and just couldn't get around. Completely understandable and It was hard on my mother. She knew he was in the last stages of his life and she was preparing. After they left, we talked some more and we went to walmart. It was something that he would have liked doing when he had the energy. My mom and dad were very private people. If anything they always wanted to share there company together more then anyone elses. This year would have been 50 years they have been married. They didn't have much out of the world but they always had each other through everything else. My mom was saying the dads dog was having a hard time eating and he knew something was wrong with him. We got him some new dog food, some kind of shredded chicken for dogs, and brought it home. He seemed to like it. At this point I was pretty exhausted and had to take a nap. I came back home (6 blocks away in same town of Trophy Club) and just passed out in my bed after some more thoughts of things we did together as a kid. You think of the good things or they just come at you like a ton of bricks. I slept for 4 hours till 8pm.
I texted my mom but she didnt answer so I went back over. I asked if she ate. She wasn't much in the mood to eat, understandable. I went over to TT and got a cooked chicken and some sides. Brought it all back to her house and warmed it up. As usual, chicken was overcooked but I wasnt asking for much. We ate some, I listened to her grieve some more. You go through so much of the 'coulda woulda shoulda' but it was clear he wanted to go. Watching my mom process it all is though but I know thats not what my dad would have wanted. Again he and I had the same thoughts. Think of the good things, dwell on the happier times. Fishing, camping, vacations every year, so many good things but I can't detail them now as it would just hurt too much.
Look... I know anyone else that reads this is going to probably have some judgement but I can just say this. I am doing this for myself to remember. In the short of things I can't stress it enough as I tell my own family. No matter what misgivings you may have with your family when they're alive, put it aside. No matter what, they're your parents. Go see them, hug them, love them because before you know it. They're gone and all you can remember is every SINGLE DAMN GOOD THING they ever did for and with you. As part of this blog, I am going to detail those things I can remember now to make sure I never forget. Cause it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt a lot.
I love my dad. I miss my dad. I wish he were here just one more time. I'm so so sorry.
Love, Your only son.
jr.
What goes through your mind is not his passing but rather he slipped and fell, probably unconscious or in a coma. As quick as I could, I hopped into my Honda and raced over there. Surprisingly enough not pushing one to two cars on the road out of the way. I got there and the police were there and my mom told me at that point he had passed away. My mind was still trying to process the fact that she could have been wrong. My father was on the floor in his room and I had to push through 4-5 officers to get to him. One office asked behind me "Is that your father?" I said yes and almost collapsed. I pushed him out of the way to get into the nearby laundry closet and shut the door. I don't know how long I was in there but lord did I cry. Nothing can every prepare you and be so incredibly abrupt. All I wanted to do was walk out and see my dad standing there saying he was OK. But that never happened.
My mom came in a couple of time to console me and my wife came shortly later. I didn't want to come out. All I could think of was my dad telling me "You have to take care of your mom now.". The pain was unimaginable and still is.I know its hard for anyone to imagine how can I put all of this down right now. I feel I have to, it's the only way I can cope and make sure I never forget this day.
I went out and to the kitchen, Lisa helped with the officers to make arrangements with them for my dad and the funeral home. The officers try to be polite as possible but all you can think of is you want them all out of your house and you want your father to sit up and chat with you. An officer stayed behind while the funeral home sent someone over. You have to understand. My father never liked the morbidity of death, funeral homes, viewings, funerals etc. We thought alike on this. He wanted it to be over and done with. He always said "I'm gone. I'm not there. Don't bother with it.". He wanted a quick cremation and put into a jar and taken back to Florida and his ashes spread on a lake where he used to swim as a kid in Palatka Fl. His heart was always there. I know he moved up here to help my mom for just this even but he still always wanted to go back and I am going to make sure that happens.
My mom and I sat in the backyard and talked. The gentlemen from the funeral home came by and picked up his body. My mom nor I cared to watch. I think it would have been too much to process for her. Apparently my dad wasn't feeling to well over the last few days or weeks and was constantly stating he was tired and just couldn't get around. Completely understandable and It was hard on my mother. She knew he was in the last stages of his life and she was preparing. After they left, we talked some more and we went to walmart. It was something that he would have liked doing when he had the energy. My mom and dad were very private people. If anything they always wanted to share there company together more then anyone elses. This year would have been 50 years they have been married. They didn't have much out of the world but they always had each other through everything else. My mom was saying the dads dog was having a hard time eating and he knew something was wrong with him. We got him some new dog food, some kind of shredded chicken for dogs, and brought it home. He seemed to like it. At this point I was pretty exhausted and had to take a nap. I came back home (6 blocks away in same town of Trophy Club) and just passed out in my bed after some more thoughts of things we did together as a kid. You think of the good things or they just come at you like a ton of bricks. I slept for 4 hours till 8pm.
I texted my mom but she didnt answer so I went back over. I asked if she ate. She wasn't much in the mood to eat, understandable. I went over to TT and got a cooked chicken and some sides. Brought it all back to her house and warmed it up. As usual, chicken was overcooked but I wasnt asking for much. We ate some, I listened to her grieve some more. You go through so much of the 'coulda woulda shoulda' but it was clear he wanted to go. Watching my mom process it all is though but I know thats not what my dad would have wanted. Again he and I had the same thoughts. Think of the good things, dwell on the happier times. Fishing, camping, vacations every year, so many good things but I can't detail them now as it would just hurt too much.
Look... I know anyone else that reads this is going to probably have some judgement but I can just say this. I am doing this for myself to remember. In the short of things I can't stress it enough as I tell my own family. No matter what misgivings you may have with your family when they're alive, put it aside. No matter what, they're your parents. Go see them, hug them, love them because before you know it. They're gone and all you can remember is every SINGLE DAMN GOOD THING they ever did for and with you. As part of this blog, I am going to detail those things I can remember now to make sure I never forget. Cause it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt a lot.
I love my dad. I miss my dad. I wish he were here just one more time. I'm so so sorry.
Love, Your only son.
jr.
posted by Jules at 8:58 PM
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